Euphoria in a leaf.

I've always thought it fascinating-when I see something beautiful, I cry. I've only known a handful of people who do this, my father among the few. I've never tried to explain or even understood the feeling until now. It starts with a swell in my throat. My eyes ebb and glass over. My nose flares and it begins. I think its in the immense power, the move-ability of what I'm witnessing. The beauty is so big, so celestial, so grand that my body is enveloped by it. If its a song, the same happens, I feel pangs in my heart that make it hard to breathe, and I'm overcome by pure euphoria. I loose my ability to speak because words are meaningless, I'm swallowed up by a symbiotic power from its magnitude. It feels like a submission to something too difficult to stand up against. I cant handle it, I often say. But i never want to stop the experience. In Greek the word "euphoria" is "the power of bearing easily". Its heavy, humbling, and still so delicate. I looked at a leaf today...I plucked it off a nearby bush at Rutgers-Newark. I touched it, breathed it in, I studied the ridges of the leave, the texture. I thought, in Archimedes-fashion, Eureka!....... I found within this leaf the secret to happiness, the universe, God, eternal life...It was in the appreciation, the humbled kneeling to something so delicate and often overlooked. It was in the quiet, clearly visible, that i realized life was this..that leaf, THAT beauty. It's meant to be enjoyed, life, that leaf, laughter, a song, a serene landscape, the feeling of love...thats the secret...

Mumbo

"Im Sick and tired of old men sitting around air-conditioned rooms in Washington, dreaming up war's for young men to fight" -Prez Candidate of 1972, George Mcgovern.

"I am not a crook" -Prez of 1972, Richard Nixon.

.....

There has been uncovered an acute awareness of an invisible force, the one of fairy-taled, Good and Evil. It's theme permeates mankind. The wrestling match continues for what seems like eternity...and it eventually brushes us all. We become entangled in the ball of fists, morality, laws, rules...we submit to the pins, grappling holds, and leglocks. Finger pointing that works like swords, words that cut in the same manner...we all try to be the most righteous by climbing to the the top, on the heads of the "unworthy"

Done with the "what the fuck's"

Okay So, 2011, here....weird. My brain is so fucked I cant tell which way is straight, let alone my own fucking name. Partially it may be the weed, partially, it may be this weird feeling I've had for a while. Regardless of these non-sequiturs, I'm fucking done. Done with the ridiculousness, done with hurting the people I'm supposed to care about most, done with being reckless. 2011, you are going to change me. Drinking in excess? done. Saying whatever the fuck i want without thinking? Done. Reading, striving, and being driven, these are things that must happen. I feel like i really fucked up somehow- Part of me thinks I'm going to be fucking schizo, i mean onset is like 25-second, I don't know if I'm dead inside or just like the attention, and if i do like the attention -what the fuck for? I want love so fucking badly, but my rigimortous state prevents me from expressing that. Maybe that's why i get so damn ridiculous when i drink? I feel constantly distant from everyone around me, and all i want is to feel close to someone. Shit i feel like i don't know who the fuck i am....as if i just woke up from a 25-year slumber....My brain still thinks like a kid....I cant even introduce myself to people-I pick and choose people i want to be nice too, I'm rude to some people-and while they think its a funny joke, i really actually do hate them....and what the hell is that? Have I lost all ability to feel? Cause i really dont do that either...I feel so fucked up in my head! I must drown it out more weed? more alcohol? I gotta write....I gotta write something....Something real. MY thoughts.....my consciousness....This Year will be marked the year of change....When my head goes back to normal, Ill really have to sit back and think about that. I'm reaching out for a reassuring wave to come over me, but to no avail. I can call out to things until i feel better about myself, or just deal with the shitty feeling, recognize it as a wound that must be cleaned up. Another thing...I'm done being afraid of stepping on every ones toes...but i also wont put myself in a position were ill be able to either. Honest statements, the joking around shit has gone on long enough, its a great passive aggressive cover up that is slowly leaking. Back to clean slate this year. deep thoughts, and feeling security. Fears....My dad, my mom, my friends moving on before i can say goodbye. Wants....To be me, and rediscover who that is, on my own. Reading more and doing things on my own. That i miss most. No car, Needs...To do more good for people..to do my job right and not half-ass....to paint that fucking mural with a smile on....to buy all the frames in that god-forsaken Michael's. Cares....My friends leaving or changing, or seeing a bad change in me..... Shit i really hope i figure it out soon, I'm not down with being crazy....Ive been watching my life pass me by for far to fucking long.

In a World of Pure Imagination

We, as humans, are a valuable venue of power. The power we wield, has the energy to change our circumstances and our reality. In the same accord, it has the power to destroy all we ever thought we knew...and it all begins with a thought. If social work has taught me one thing, it is that a heavy majority of what we believe about the world, derives from our own perception of it. The person standing next to you on the subway, may be looking at the same scene of crowded train cars, people swaying back and forth, listening to their music players and reading their newspaper, but what we both perceive is worlds apart. If this is so, that two parallel realities can be playing out at the same time, how much more then, can we change our reality?

"If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it" -Willy Wonka

I'm not saying that we must throw caution to the wind, Life is not to be toyed with, but was it not also intended to be enjoyed? If we constantly see the world as a horrible dysfunctional place, we will have paved our realities into that belief. If we choose to systematically find good, good will be found. It {life} is not over until you allow it to be. Soo...travel when your 85, move to Canada and back again, go back to school, know that your circumstances only half pull you down and that the rest is up to you.

Starbuck

Starbuck served as a faithful first mate to Captain Ahab in the novel Moby Dick. It was Starbuck, whose patience and wisdom was an invaluable treasure to Captain Ahab. He made many ardent attempts at convincing Ahab to stop chasing the whale. It was as if he new, this seductive path, and was warning Ahab of its lure. Starbuck stood staunchly as Ahab's reason, while the captain danced on insanity's plank. In the end, it was the whale, that called out louder.
In 2010, we see the precise desecration of this noble man's name. In a mall, called Short Hills, the demanding customers, throb the threshold. Persistent, insatiable, they pour in. As they demand quad espressos over ice, I freeze time and take in the scene. An endless line, makes my head pound, and I ask, the unanswerable question, "What for"? An angry customer asks to see a manager, my submissive boss, practicing his smile, before he approaches register to meet her demands, " I said I wanted my cappuccino extra dry, double shot, half-pump, 154 degrees. TASTE THIS, you tell ME if this is 154 degrees!!!" My boss quickly refunds her and quiets her with a free coffee coupon. She walks off, still steaming (Much hotter than her 154 degree cappuccino, I might add).
Green apron now on the floor of my apartment, I sit back and think about the day. It scared me to see human beings acting in such away. It scared me to think, that a simple cup of coffee could throw someone over the edge. Is it one person having a bad day? or has it become a common state of mind? We expect certain things, and when we receive less we become agitated. Reasonable, they are paying high prices for those shots of espresso. But when does inconvenience become insanity? America's entitlement, money, upbringing, any of these could describe the causality of our plagued state. We have essentially taken advantage of the consumerists Bible, interpreting the passages all wrong. It was never about how much you could get out of the place, for how little. It was about the good feeling of getting a one-of-a-kind item, receiving a smile, calling you by name, handing you item with care right up until it reached your fingertips. It was not meant to be an incorrigible line, like pigs prepared for slaughter. So, the next time someone asks where all the hospitality has gone, where all the mom's and pop's have gone, where all the quality over quantity has gone, look back at last weeks Walmart receipt, and quickly recall. Keep pushing for faster, more efficient, cheap options, and watch as consumerism evolves and begins to push back. We'll be wishing for First mate Starbuck's advice then.

Relayshunships

Re-lay-shun-ship... Breaking it up into small parts, I will make an attempt to understand it. Relay, its a race, a competition at times, the eye staring staunchly on the prize. Shun, this may have something to do with how we treat those not in relationships, or those, swingers that try to take our mate. Ship, seems to elude to a type of journey, with twists and turns, rocky points, trials, and tribulations. Relayshunships, can serve different purposes. Some may be for the purpose of marriage, procreation, fulfilling life's purpose, ecetera ecetera. Some, may be leading towards that direction, in a long term agreement. Some are new-bies, the stench of mystery and "the unknown" drenching them. Yet others are more casual. Maintaining some basic rules, but keeping distance. Others, are not built to last, more built to sustain a one night type of engagement....I respect each type of relationship, I believe each has a place and purpose to an end. Not needed to be experienced by all, but important to know. In the instance of relationships, is the end the same for each? Eventually,half of those darling marriages will fail, due to divorce, those leading up to it, may break up. The ones lasting several years having a delightful burning type of resentment attached to them, due to their longevity, comfort, and exposure to the others' world. The newbies, well, the scent of newness wears off, if they are strong enough to survive, Godspeed! but for the others, the initial intoxication was not enough. Those one-evening engagements, are fun,but tend to leave one feeling, somewhat unfulfilled, unsatisfied, some leading to question motives, of either emotional need fulfillment or dysfunctional assessment of self worth.
So, what can we say about it? Essentially, we are on the ship together, some at more sturdy points in the current then others, but never knowing what direction fate may turn it. I suppose one truly takes a risk when handling another. Their baggage, their past, their quirks, their devices. Mixing the chemicals of yourself with them, can create either a masterpiece or a chemical war-zone. Its a scary ride, but one worth the risk.

Wear Sunscreen.

"Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth."


We each have our own bits of advice, created by mounds of experience, recycled to form something useful to someone else. Just the idea of this makes humanity worth being around for. The experience of LIFE. Damn, its not the greatest, but you sure as hell come up with some interesting information along the way. The best part is, you never stop learning or growing, unless of course you choose to stop searching, yearning for it. I love the idea that, yes, we all have our bag-o-shit but, we can sift through it, dig up a golden piece here and there, dust off the mistakes, tragiedies, errors that we experienced, and then pass it along to someone new.
The unfortunate piece is this: One can never truely appreciate or understand this "Recycled Advice" until they've lived it themselves.


Thats all for this evening, just a bit of nostalgia coming back to me...

Heres the vid.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vbet-84hnCc&feature=related