Psychology

Psychology is such a judge-y discipline.Let me explain why I've come to these conclusions. There is a difference between recognizing unhealthy behavior in a family/relationship/person and simply subjectively judging the way a person/family/relationship is because it is different than your experience. There is often times a thin line between what is assessed as inappropriate and unhealthy vs unusual and unconventional (but not hurting anyone). When I was 10, I wanted to help people. My propensity for this came from seeing a lot of "issues" with my family. My dad, well-issues. My mom-ISSUES. In an effort to keep it brief one can summarize for themselves what that means. Seeing that these two people were "different" made me want to help them. In my 10 year old mind, by helping them I really just wanted them to be more like everybody else's parents. I wish my mom wore makeup, taught me girly things and wasn't paranoid. I wish my dad didn't smoke so much or say/do crass things. Altogether I wanted to help my family be better versions of themselves. Upon first reading, one might assume well there isn't anything wrong with wanting to help someone to be a better version of themselves. For anyone who  knew my parents personally one would absolutely agree with my thoughts on wanting to help them change. I also fully recognize that a person reading this might conclude that I am judging others or my parents and maybe they would be right.

So, FAST FORWARD 19 years. I am a licensed social worker. Soon to be clinically licensed. I have read countless articles, textbooks, I have endured endless conversations with my therapist, I have contributed to "ways of helping" in my graduate classes and I have given solid advice to friends who were in need. One might say I am an excellent example of an individual in the helping profession. Because at the heart of helping we want to reduce pain, we want to solve the problems, we want to be heros. So why is it that I have a nauseous feeling in my stomach whenever I think about "helping".

Skipping a few lines, I'd  like to point here that I am an anxious mess. I have ebbs and flows of confidence. I am a people pleaser. I am professionally silent when a patient yells or curses at me. I am cool under pressure. All of this, looks so neatly wrapped together in an effort to separate my self from my "crazy parents" and to be accepted. I follow the rules, I DO NOT MAKE WAVES. I say please and thank you.....I do favors and say "no prob". I allow people to make decisions for me and make statements about me that I may disagree with in an effort to avoid the discomfort of sharing my feelings and making it "awkward". I am also fully embarrassed to admit this about myself, because it makes me appear weak and I fear people will question my ability to engage in the profession, I fear (and frankly know) people will judge me.

All of this to say, I have done myself a great disservice in remaining silent. My effort to be "normal", has turned me into an emotionally challenged zombie. Because of this, I have moments of wanting to scream, JUST SCREAM, while walking the dog. I want to be rude to dog walkers and not say hi. I want to SING OUT LOUD and look crazy. I have emotions....but this effort to appear poised has smothered them and so has clouded my ability to express them and feel them fully. I don't know how to express my sadness without saying "I'm fine", I don't know how to express my anger without remaining calm. 

Returning to my conclusions about psychology, It isn't the fields' fault, Its what people-including myself- have turned it into. Psychology is synonymous with Orwellian perfection if we are not careful. We are not meant to be robotic. We are meant to feel and sometimes that means hurting other peoples feelings, making people feel uncomfortable, and welcoming judgement rather than trying to avoid it. It will happen anyway. So while psychology can benefit society by regulating to a degree-keeping people from killing, harming etc- we must be vigilant of its power in controlling our lives. 

I know I have fallen victim to it and am consciously aware of my slave-like restraint. Perhaps that is why I enjoy mood altering substances. I know that I judge and I am working on that. Likely if I can stop myself from being judge-y, trying to fix everything - that I in turn would be less people pleasing and less of a push over. I don't know the solution to the problem, I know that others (even the patients I see) feel this way. I feel helpless to defeat it. I have an idea of what needs to be done, but I am afraid. It is a daily task to break the routine of normalcy and to find a balance where I am still feeling true to myself, while keeping my wits about me. I am not sure that anyone has ever read this blog or ever will read it, but I want you to know that if you have felt or feel as I do, you are not the only one drowning.