Done with the "what the fuck's"

Okay So, 2011, here....weird. My brain is so fucked I cant tell which way is straight, let alone my own fucking name. Partially it may be the weed, partially, it may be this weird feeling I've had for a while. Regardless of these non-sequiturs, I'm fucking done. Done with the ridiculousness, done with hurting the people I'm supposed to care about most, done with being reckless. 2011, you are going to change me. Drinking in excess? done. Saying whatever the fuck i want without thinking? Done. Reading, striving, and being driven, these are things that must happen. I feel like i really fucked up somehow- Part of me thinks I'm going to be fucking schizo, i mean onset is like 25-second, I don't know if I'm dead inside or just like the attention, and if i do like the attention -what the fuck for? I want love so fucking badly, but my rigimortous state prevents me from expressing that. Maybe that's why i get so damn ridiculous when i drink? I feel constantly distant from everyone around me, and all i want is to feel close to someone. Shit i feel like i don't know who the fuck i am....as if i just woke up from a 25-year slumber....My brain still thinks like a kid....I cant even introduce myself to people-I pick and choose people i want to be nice too, I'm rude to some people-and while they think its a funny joke, i really actually do hate them....and what the hell is that? Have I lost all ability to feel? Cause i really dont do that either...I feel so fucked up in my head! I must drown it out more weed? more alcohol? I gotta write....I gotta write something....Something real. MY thoughts.....my consciousness....This Year will be marked the year of change....When my head goes back to normal, Ill really have to sit back and think about that. I'm reaching out for a reassuring wave to come over me, but to no avail. I can call out to things until i feel better about myself, or just deal with the shitty feeling, recognize it as a wound that must be cleaned up. Another thing...I'm done being afraid of stepping on every ones toes...but i also wont put myself in a position were ill be able to either. Honest statements, the joking around shit has gone on long enough, its a great passive aggressive cover up that is slowly leaking. Back to clean slate this year. deep thoughts, and feeling security. Fears....My dad, my mom, my friends moving on before i can say goodbye. Wants....To be me, and rediscover who that is, on my own. Reading more and doing things on my own. That i miss most. No car, Needs...To do more good for people..to do my job right and not half-ass....to paint that fucking mural with a smile on....to buy all the frames in that god-forsaken Michael's. Cares....My friends leaving or changing, or seeing a bad change in me..... Shit i really hope i figure it out soon, I'm not down with being crazy....Ive been watching my life pass me by for far to fucking long.